You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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