I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
