Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
