I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
