Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
