I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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