Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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