the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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