I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
