My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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