My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
