if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
