Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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