I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
