I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
