On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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