he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
