the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's rum buckets o'clock
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
