Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
