Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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