he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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