we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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