just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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