An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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