just tell him i said nine months
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
