my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
