He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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