next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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