cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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