i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
