I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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