I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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