No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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