I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
