Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
