I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
