Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
