Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
