The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
