I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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