I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
