I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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