Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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