Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
