i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
