I hate all girls vehemently.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize