Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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