Only a mothe r could love this liver
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
