Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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