so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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