Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
